How horses help us soar!

These are Jennifer’s words—unedited and straight from her heart. Every journey is unique, and with permission, my friend, student, and a Miles Made Elevate member shares a piece of her world with us. We’re honored to witness her horsemanship and the lessons she's learned along the way.

Jennifer’s path began long before she ever owned a horse, shaped by childhood trauma, emotional and physical struggles, and a lifelong yearning for connection. What followed was a return to horses, the unexpected gift of a plain bay gelding named Koko, and a transformative journey of healing, partnership, and inner strength. Her story is one of perseverance, growth, and learning to lead—with presence, purpose, and heart.

Before the Saddle, After the Storm:

A Journey from Surviving to Soaring

I have to start by saying the story is longer than our relatively short (5 years) history together.

Horses were my source of solace and peace as a child and young adult. I endured and survived a lot of trauma of every imaginable variety starting in very early childhood, resulting in disordered eating, weight, and body image struggles.  As much as I begged and schemed as a kid, I never had a horse of my own until 6/25/23, when I was 57. In retrospect, being a horseless rider had its own gifts and blessings, and I did whatever I could to be around them as much as possible- lots of barn ratting and babysitting! I even leased a horse for a while when I had a job that left me with just enough disposable income to swing it. 

At 26, I moved far away from my family(and access to horses), and into 21 years of severely dysfunctional relationships- with my romantic partner, food, and myself. A serious vehicle accident led me to seek therapy for PTSD, giving me some tools to start healing the CPTSD and EDs I’d been struggling with my entire life. It took several years, but I was finally at a place where I was taking care of myself, rather than trying to change myself. I gradually ended the destructive relationships and shed all of the spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical weight that was holding me back.

Coming back to horses was the best gift I could have given myself. At over 350 pounds for over 20 years, I was in no condition to ride, nor would I feel good about getting on a horse. It took me several years of maintaining a healthy weight and the encouragement of my now husband before I started riding regularly again in 2018, taking weekly lessons at a local barn, with a really dysfunctional owner and instructor. It was a cycle of joy and trauma I had to remove myself from after 1 particularly horrific scene during a group lesson.

I went from place to place for lessons, searching for a good fit that wasn’t too far away. I rode probably a dozen horses, some regularly. Finally, in the summer of 2020, I was referred to Rebecca, who had a small lesson program with a few horses.  “I never put 1st lessons on him, but something told me to try you with him today,” she said as I admired Kokopelli in all his plain bay cuteness on the cross ties.  He pushed into me affectionately (or so I thought at the time!) We had a good lesson. He was far from a push-button schoolmaster, but there was just something irresistible about his dog-like personality, and I signed a lease for him at the end of the lesson. 

I leased him until we moved to DE in May 2022. Although I rode him often in lessons, we never really made progress with our relationship or communication. But still, I was in love. Since working with Christine over the past year and change, I now see all the holes in our relationship and missing pieces of my horsemanship education! After I moved, and because of some of his quirks, Koko was being used very little for lessons- maybe 1 a week. He never did anything nasty, but true to his name, he’d fling his head in the air to avoid bridling, or drag someone into an open stall- things he didn’t do with me when I was leasing or when I went back to visit. 

The morning after my mom died in February 2023, Rebecca texted me and asked me if I wanted him. My mom, who supported my return to horses with the greatest enthusiasm, made it possible for me to say “yes” to owning him.  He officially became mine, for $1.00, on what would have been my dad’s 88th birthday.

I found a wonderful private barn in Georgetown that provided exceptional care and a supportive barn family. There was just 1 problem. Our relationship wasn’t as good as I thought it was. He‘d always been a little spooky, but he was exponentially worse- anxious and worried about everything, rushing through gates, refusing to pass a certain point to get to the arena unless another horse was with him or already there.. I didn’t feel safe riding by myself. Forget doing anything on windy days! Koko’s stall and shared fence lines were between 2 gorgeous chestnut mares. He bonded to them immediately, especially to one. So much so that he began to show separation anxiety when they left for a trail ride or if I rode out without them, even if another horse was leading.  It backed up to even when she’d go on crossties, he was having a complete meltdown.  He once practically mowed me down trying to get to her, squishing me between the stall door and his body. He liked me, but I was literally a pushover-  he had no respect for my space, and did not trust me to be his leader. The barn owner became concerned that he was going to colic or hurt himself the way he was running around blindly when he got anxious about his main mare going out of his sight. She asked us to find a new barn. Unfortunately, we found Christine too late to help us work it out there, but just in time to adjust to the new place.

We worked for months before I got back on, and have been working steadily since on all the things- some days, liberty in the round pen, some arena riding, some in-hand around the property, occasionally, riding around the property- still working on being completely relaxed with that! And some days, I just hang out, sit on the ground or a bucket, and meditate, or groom, or hand graze, or massage. I work a lot on myself, being completely present with him, and having intentions rather than expectations.. I go prepared to ride, but also prepared to work on what needs to be worked on first/instead. The cool thing is, I now have the confidence and skills to play with him, even ride- by myself- on howlingly windy days or calm ones, to help him work through what is bothering him, and look for those opportunities to strengthen our relationship, rather than avoid them. 

Do I still struggle? Yes, I do! Sometimes I feel clumsy, or  I don’t know what I’m doing to mess him up! It took me ages to get the coordination for the falling leaf game, and sideways and moving the forequarters are SO challenging but so rewarding when I’m staying out of my head and it's all flowing. But I’m not AFRAID anymore, which is opening all the doors.

He’s been in his new barn for a little over a year. It’s not ideal from a barn management POV, but it’s close enough that I can see him every day, and it has plenty of chaos in the shape of kids, dogs, and STUFF to help with desensitization. 

I lost every member of my immediate family within a few years- first my 2 brothers, then my mom. I believe Koko was delivered to me to help me through my own separation anxiety as I help him with his.  We have come so far- Miles Made- and still miles to go!  I’m looking forward to the day we confidently trail ride off property with our friends!